Planet Moron

Week in Review

While we did not post last week, we did carefully monitor events in between bouts of sun poisoning, alcohol poisoning and a momentary flirtation with actual poisoning after watching our favorite baseball team blow a nine-run lead. 

A brief summary:

Sarah Palin resigned the governorship of Alaska, not only ruining any chance she had to run for national office in 2012, but also brilliantly setting herself up for a run for national office in 2012.

The Obama administration is ready to take responsibility for the economy.  Except for the Stimulus bill that was passed by Democrats in Congress and signed by President Obama not working out too well.  That’s still Bush’s fault.

Prognosis unchanged for dead pop singer.

Out: Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.
In: Dissent is the highest form of terrorism.

As it turns out, Al Franken was good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people liked him! Well, some people.

Refunds being given out to ticket holders for upcoming concerts by pop singer who is currently struggling with acute deathness considered a “bad sign.”

Out: Constitutions and the rule of law
In: Charisma!

Former NFL quarterback Steve McNair shot to death in apartment.  Also, it’s your fault. 

A study found that only 3.5% of high school students can pass the citizenship exam given to immigrants.   In fairness, there were very few questions focusing on self-esteem.

Pop singer’s chances of being something other than dead dimming by the day…

J.

Happy Independence Day!

NOTE: This is NOT part of the Obama administration's clean-energy initiative.

It is, however, shovel-ready.

J.

Out to Lunch. Back in Five.

Days, that is.

I am on vacation in the Outer Banks of North Carolina and plan to take full advantage of the many activities, attractions, and entertainment opportunities the area affords.

If you are like most Planet Moron readers you are probably wondering, “Is he sure he has enough alcohol?  Because it doesn’t look like he has enough alcohol.”

Also, "You blog drunk now, or at least that's how it looks, so what's the difference?"

Just taking a little time to recharge the batteries. I plan to continue my Twitter updates and might post randomly, but it should be a light week overall.

Try not to wreck the country too much while I'm gone.

J.

CONSENSUS WATCH - 6/27/2009

An ongoing series dedicated to vigorously monitoring emerging threats to The Consensus that global warming is real, caused by humans, and must be addressed at all costs. Because without consensus, scientific conclusions would remain vulnerable to new data.

Last night, the House passed the American Clean Energy Security (ACES) Act, a sweeping piece of climate legislation that will result in dramatically rising costs, increased joblessness, and a massive expansion of government control over our daily lives.

However, that’s the price we’re just going to have to pay if we want to get serious about global warming and believe that it is our moral obligation to reduce temperatures nine hundredths of one degree Fahrenheit.

That's two years worth of warming!

Think of it.  Because of this bill, our children, and their children’s children, will be enjoying the cool sweet temperatures of 2048 even when it’s actually 2050!

It’s almost like they built a fantastical time machine.  Or, as Congressman G.K. Butterfield put it, the ACES act:

“…literally will save the planet.”

Given its importance, you probably feel badly that you didn’t take the time to carefully read the ACES act.

That’s okay.  No one did. 

Also, it technically doesn’t exist.

But there’s a reason for that.  Did you ever read the ingredient label on pasteurized processed cheese product?

And did you still eat it?

That is why such things really are best left to the experts.  Well, not all the experts.  Some experts disagree with The Consensus, which makes no sense at all since there wouldn’t be a consensus if everyone didn’t agree.

That is why such disagreement must be carefully suppressed.

In fact, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that in order to pass the legislation, representatives had to bear up under overwhelming opposition from "entrenched agents of the status quo," also known as "the constituents they represent" who rather like the entrenched status quo of having a job.

Don't these people know Al Gore won a Tony.  Or something.

What can you do to help ensure that The Consensus remains unchallenged? 

The next time someone mentions that they seem to recall reading somewhere that there is widespread and growing dissent among credible scientists regarding The Consensus and they are thinking of maybe looking into the matter with their congressman, take them aside and point out that there is overwhelming evidence that Michael Jackson just died. Madonna can’t stop crying! Justin Timberlake blogged about it! You can listen to the 911 call!

With any luck an attractive upper-class white woman will go missing when the Senate takes it up.

J.

Don't forget, Consensus Watch gear will make you a pariah among your peers faster than a Sanford/Palin 2012 bumper sticker on a Hummer! We have an extensive line of "Stop raping the planet! You may, however, touch it inappropriately," gear (coffee cup, bags, coasters, stickers, buttons), and the classic Consensus Watch coffee mug: "Consensus Watch Because without consensus, scientific conclusions would remain vulnerable to new data."

Priorities Part 2

Early evening, CNN continues to cover the important stories of the day:

Pop Singer Still Dead:

1

House Passes Bill That No One Has Read That Would Restructure Entire Economy at Great Cost With no Real Understanding of the Long-Term Ramifications to the Country:

1

1

The modern news media: Working diligently to make sure the citizenry is fully informed as to what Lisa Marie Presley thinks.

J.

Priorities

From this morning's main CNN web page:

Pop singer dies:

1

Major oil producing nation of 70 million that is seeking nuclear weapons and threatening peace in the region undergoing revolutionary upheaval:

1

1

Historic climate bill with far-reaching consequences that will affect the country for decades to come ready to pass house:

 

Which is why it is important that we leave news judgment up to the professionals.

They went to school for this stuff and everything.

J.

Mark & Jenny Plus 8 Attorneys!

TLC’s newest summer reality series! Follow the real-life triumphs and travails of the Sanford family!

Mark Sanford is the Governor of South Carolina. A noted fiscal disciplinarian, he enjoys hiking, saying he’s hiking, and quiet walks on the beach in Buenos Aires with his secret Argentinian mistress!

Jenny is his wife.  Formerly a Wall Streeter, she now busies herself with her duties as South Carolina’s First Lady, tending to the couple’s young children, hosting the annual Governor’s Christmas party, and going through trouser pockets for dated travel receipts and cocktail napkins.

Maria Belen Shapur is Mark’s Exotic Argentinian mistress.  (We could not find a picture of her, so instead we’re using Andrea Rincons, the exotic Argentinian dancer former President Bill Clinton reportedly paid $1000 for a lap dance.)

Our cameras will follow the Sanfords as they go about their daily lives and deal with problems that are all too familiar to any average, middle-class governor’s family, such as, who is going to pick up the dry cleaning?  Are we having company tonight?  And what should I tell the children when you disappear, turn off your cell phone, feed your staff a false cover story, and covertly fly to South America to spend time with your girlfriend on Father’s Day?

That Mark sure gets into some wacky hijinks!

No intimate detail will be spared.  Even the ones that should be!

Yes, these madcap adventures are sure to provide your family with hours of entertainment, and Mrs. Sanford’s lawyers with hours of confirmatory evidence.

You particularly don’t want to miss next month’s episodes when Mark finds out he’s in a big old bunch of hot water at work!

Hey, who can’t relate to that?

J.

You Know What Stings The Most? They Were Probably Going To Serve Neapolitan Ice Cream

In its first concrete action against the Iranian government in response to its vicious attacks on peaceful pro-democracy demonstrators, the Obama administration has officially rescinded its invitation to attend our embassies’ Fourth of July Barbecues.

Of course, a decision like this cannot be made lightly as there were both upsides and downsides that needed to be carefully weighed:

Upsides:

• Demonstrates a steadfast resolve to take whatever action necessary, no matter the impact it might have on the seating charts.
• Potential crisis that there wasn’t going to be enough Independence-Day themed napkins to go around necessitating the need to break out the plain white ones mercifully avoided.
• Moon Bounce won’t be as crowded.

Downsides:

• The Iranians were bringing the potato salad.
• Situation could escalate.  Potential retaliations: Ignored Facebook friend invites, anonymous insults left in the comments section at the Huffington Post, and acceleration of uranium enrichment program.
• Could deal serious setback to the White House’s “Burgers for Nukes” diplomatic initiative.

The impact of the move was somewhat blunted by the fact that no Iranian had accepted the invitation but, like, we only invited them to see if they’d say yes so we could be all like, “well, you can’t come anyway,” and they’d be all like, crying and everything.

It’s all that high-level diplomatic statecraft stuff.  You probably wouldn’t understand.

J.

It Could Just Be A Jedi Mind Trick: "These Are Not The Basijis You Are Looking For..."

Although publicly denying that the United States is in any way involved with the Iranian protests, the White House is letting the truth be known through back channels:

Barack Obama did it.

Yes, apparently his Cairo speech, in which he was careful not to explicitly promote democracy, is the primary source of inspiration for the demonstrators demanding democracy.

Here at Planet Moron we believe it’s about time the President’s oratory gets the credit it deserves.  For example, while many believe the dramatic repair of the Hubble Space Telescope this past April was the result of years of preparation and training, it wasn’t really until the President’s speech at the graduation of the Columbus Police Division’s 114th class where he told the newly minted police officers, “You knew the risks involved, you knew the sacrifices required, and yet you stood up and said, I'll take that risk.  I'll make that sacrifice.  I will do that job," that NASA, and indeed, the whole scientific community was galvanized to fix Hubble, saying as if they were one, “We’ll take that risk.  We’ll make that sacrifice!”

“And yes, we will do that job!”

You probably didn’t know that.

You also probably didn’t know that it was the President’s remarks with Archbishop Demetrios commemorating Greek Independence day in March that was at least partly responsible for an uptick in Canadian housing starts that month. And who will ever forget those stirring words he spoke at the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Restoration Act bill signing? 

Not the Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, that’s for sure.

And don’t get us started on the profound effect that Barack Obama's presentation for his fourth grade science class on “Our Friend The Earth” had on the stunning rise of the environmental movement throughout the sixties and seventies.

That is why we can only imagine what impact his words today will have on the situation in Iran in which he said, more forcefully than he ever has before, that we would “bear witness” to what was happening and “monitor and see how this plays itself out before we make any judgments about how we will proceed.”

It is precisely this steely determination to not only witness, but to monitor, that we should all find so inspirational, for who else can command the power to so profoundly influence events, without actually doing anything.

 
J.

When There’s a Real Crisis, Sometimes You Have to Let the Little Things Go

After a week of seeming reticence to confront the crisis head on, President Obama finally recognized the gravity of the situation and the need for the leader of the free world to speak out.  As he said:

“While I’m not spoiling for a fight, I’m ready for one.”

And so, displaying real grit and determination, no matter the political fallout, he made it clear on Saturday that he stands behind the brave souls fighting for their inalienable right, indeed, the inalienable right of all free people everywhere, to secure for themselves and their posterity, a “Consumer Financial Protection Agency.”

Yes, there is some kind of kerfuffle going on in Iran, but what the heck does that have to do with ensuring that mandatory arbitration clauses in consumer financial contracts are periodically reviewed to assess fairness in terms of the dispute resolution process?

And isn’t that really where the future of our global leadership lies?

Barack Obama wants to protect “ordinary Americans.”  You can tell because he made reference to “ordinary Americans” four times in his Saturday radio address.  Who are these ordinary Americans?

They’re people just like you, except they don’t want to have to read things before they sign them.

Which is exactly what our founding fathers had in mind when forming this great union.  Do you think John Hancock actually read the entire Declaration of Independence before signing it? 

Have you seen the Declaration of Independence? 

“When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds… blah blah blah.”

No, like most ordinary Americans, he just signed whatever was put in front of him and in so doing, inadvertently helped sever the political bonds between the colonies and the British crown thus launching the greatest experiment in self-governance the world had ever witnessed.

And possibly committed to a five-year balloon payment plus penalties and interest resets but then we didn’t read the thing all the way to the end either.

Who supports creation of a Consumer Financial Protection Agency (CFPA)? A broad array of consumers, employees, investors, and community and civil rights organizers from all across the nation who believe strongly that ordinary Americans shouldn't have to read things anymore.  Really, can’t they just put mortgage applications on YouTube or something?

Reading is hard. 

But by mandating (pdf) “plain-vanilla” financial products, setting compensation policies, and requiring that products that are not plain vanilla please the government sufficiently, the Consumer Financial Protection Agency would make it so that ordinary Americans would barely need to understand basic arithmetic or rudimentary sentence structure to be able to enter into multi-hundred-thousand dollar mortgage contracts many of which are expected to include a coloring book, rudimentary word puzzles, and other activities designed to keep ordinary Americans from getting restless while the lawyers engage in all that boring grownup talk.

Not only that, but the CFPA would  “Strongly enforce the Community Reinvestment Act and fair lending laws."

We know what you’re thinking, "Didn’t the Community Reinvestment Act play a central role in the explosion of low-quality loans with minimal down payments and little required documentation that led to our current financial crisis?”

Don’t be ridiculous.  You’re thinking of the Community Reinvestment Act, which played a central role in the explosion of low-quality…

Uh, oh.

J.